500 Days

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Hear my confession.

I have not touched another human being for 500 days.

I work remotely, I live alone.

Bangkok is closed down again, again.

Curfew 21:00-4:00.

The list of things open is shorter:

medical care, pharmacies, gas stations,

groceries, some stalls in local markets,

some restaurants for take away,

government agencies.

Not my coffee shop.

Not the parks.

Not the pool.

Exercise,

penance and salvation conflated.

3,000+ burpees and 3,600+ kettlebell swings.

I have swum an estimated 48 km (halfway across London proper).

I have walked 2,507km (the distance of Amsterdam to Athens).

I broke the blood vessels in my right eye.

I suffered an outbreak of herpes whitlow.

I developed cataracts.

I chipped a tooth.

I have drifted,

broken down,

sobbed uncontrollably,

curled up in my chair,

been sucked into the vortex,

fallen into the rabbit hole.

I have been accosted by the rabbit and dragged into its lair.

My emotions come in waves,

exist in pockets,

mingle to abstraction.

Forgive me,

for I grow weary of making meaning,

I grow tired of being strong.

I did not know that nothing was so heavy.